Games

I'm almost ashamed to put all of this in print but I feel like I'll thank myself later.

I've recently liberated myself from all of the silly Facebook games and applications that I've allowed myself to get so caught up in. I wasn't playing THAT many games but the ones that I was playing started to consume ALOT of the time in my day. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until Jonas said he wanted me to stop playing games and come do a puzzle with him. Ouch. Had I really become that mother? The mother who allows herself to just become a zombie in front of the screen when I have a child who wants and needs my attention? At first I tried to justify it by calling the games my "reality escapers". My self talk was all about, "Mommy needs some time to herself too.". And believe me, I STILL feel that way! Mommy definitely needs some alone time. But it made me sad to see all the books I had sitting on my reading list, waiting to be read because instead of reading a really good book, I was harvesting crops on facebook. Instead of getting back into writing or learning more about photography, I was "helping my neighbors" and building horse stables. Ridiculous.

When I started thinking about deleting all of the games, I was literally feeling anxious. I wasn't sure if I could do it. Finally, one night, I was sitting at the computer after Jonas and Topher had both gone to bed. There was a mess to be cleaned up in the kitchen, toys scattered all around the living room, and even good shows on TV to watch. But, instead of focusing on any of that, I was sitting at the computer at 11pm on a weeknight, playing games. It was then that I decided to rip the band-aid. I didn't let myself think about it, I just did it. I went into the applications screen and just deleted everything. After committing what I shall now refer to as the Game Massacre of 2010, at first I felt weird. Did I really just do that? Am I going to regret that? Those feelings lasted for about 3 minutes. Then the feelings of relief started flooding in. I became downright giddy. I was even tempted to wake Topher up and tell him what I had done. (I refrained). I didn't realize until I felt that amount of joy that I was becoming addicted to these silly games. I was using them to escape when there are so many things I could focus my life on instead of playing games.

It's been a few days but I've felt really good since then. Like I'm actually living again. That's why I hesitated to put all of this in print. Because I had to admit that I had allowed myself to get lost in the first place. I spent so much time doing something that I couldn't show anything for at the end of the day. I put so many hours of my life into something that was easily just deleted and in the end, meant nothing. I'm ashamed that I wasted so much of my life but more ashamed that I wasted so much of my time with Jonas. Yes, we spend practically every minute of every day together and I do still need breaks. However, if I'm going to do something independent of my son, I want it to mean something. I want it to be something that will end up making me a better mother and I strongly believe that taking time for yourself DOES make you a better mother. I've found that reading books has given me an endless amount of patience to explain things to him and to make him understand what I understand. It also has made him passionate about reading because he sees Mommy doing it. Taking time to write has made me a better bedtime story teller and game maker upper (official term). Learning more about photography has made me a better memory keeper and has boosted my child's confidence (sometimes maybe too much) because he's ALWAYS having his picture taken. All of these things that I do for myself do benefit him in some small way or another and I regret that I spent so much time doing something that, in the end, did nothing to enrich my child's life. I'm not so selfless that everything I do has to be for Jonas but I am a Mother which means that he is always on my mind and most of the things I do are for him. Not everything I do benefits him. I can't put a good spin on how watching "Grey's Anatomy" will help him in life (unless he becomes a doctor) but sometimes I can be a little selfish.

So here's to a life without games. Sure sometimes I'll let myself get lost in a little online Scrabble now and then but that's ok. Maybe I should've said, "here's to a life without getting so easily lost".