I came across a very interesting writing prompt this afternoon: imagine after I die, my son will be given the gift of a five-minute glimpse of life through my eyes. Naturally, my first thought is to give him the happiest memory I have. Almost all of my happy memories include him and how could I possibly condense all of that into five minutes? In four years, this child has given me a lifetime's worth of happiness and joyful memories. What I want most for my son is to always know how completely and absolutely happy he made me. I hope that my pride in being his Mom will be enough to keep him from ever feeling inadequate or not good enough. I hope that my joy in his sense of humor will be enough to keep him from ever feeling insecure. I hope that the depth of love that I feel for him will keep him from ever feeling unloved or unwanted. I hope that he always knows that he is a person of magnificent value and he was loved absolutely.
I think my five minutes will have to be a montage of sorts. Of course, the day he was born will be included. The day he took his first steps. The day he stopped calling me Katie and finally started calling me Mommy. All the moments that we struggled through a tantrum and made it out on the other end; intact and still loving each other. I want him to see the times that I took him out to dinner or just to run errands and how special that time was. I want him to feel how happy he made me. I also want him to see the times that weren't so good or so happy. What better way to make a person feel loved unconditionally than to see the worst and know that Mommy still loved them after that? I want him to know that the role of being his Mom was not one that I took lightly but rather one that I cherished and took very seriously.
I want those five minutes to fully encapsulate all of the joy and pure, raw love that we felt for each other. I want those five minutes to be something that he can carry with him through life. Through adolescence, adulthood, marriage, fatherhood and beyond. I want that all consuming love to always be a keystone of the man that he will grow to be.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Friday, February 19, 2010
Games
I'm almost ashamed to put all of this in print but I feel like I'll thank myself later.
I've recently liberated myself from all of the silly Facebook games and applications that I've allowed myself to get so caught up in. I wasn't playing THAT many games but the ones that I was playing started to consume ALOT of the time in my day. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until Jonas said he wanted me to stop playing games and come do a puzzle with him. Ouch. Had I really become that mother? The mother who allows herself to just become a zombie in front of the screen when I have a child who wants and needs my attention? At first I tried to justify it by calling the games my "reality escapers". My self talk was all about, "Mommy needs some time to herself too.". And believe me, I STILL feel that way! Mommy definitely needs some alone time. But it made me sad to see all the books I had sitting on my reading list, waiting to be read because instead of reading a really good book, I was harvesting crops on facebook. Instead of getting back into writing or learning more about photography, I was "helping my neighbors" and building horse stables. Ridiculous.
When I started thinking about deleting all of the games, I was literally feeling anxious. I wasn't sure if I could do it. Finally, one night, I was sitting at the computer after Jonas and Topher had both gone to bed. There was a mess to be cleaned up in the kitchen, toys scattered all around the living room, and even good shows on TV to watch. But, instead of focusing on any of that, I was sitting at the computer at 11pm on a weeknight, playing games. It was then that I decided to rip the band-aid. I didn't let myself think about it, I just did it. I went into the applications screen and just deleted everything. After committing what I shall now refer to as the Game Massacre of 2010, at first I felt weird. Did I really just do that? Am I going to regret that? Those feelings lasted for about 3 minutes. Then the feelings of relief started flooding in. I became downright giddy. I was even tempted to wake Topher up and tell him what I had done. (I refrained). I didn't realize until I felt that amount of joy that I was becoming addicted to these silly games. I was using them to escape when there are so many things I could focus my life on instead of playing games.
It's been a few days but I've felt really good since then. Like I'm actually living again. That's why I hesitated to put all of this in print. Because I had to admit that I had allowed myself to get lost in the first place. I spent so much time doing something that I couldn't show anything for at the end of the day. I put so many hours of my life into something that was easily just deleted and in the end, meant nothing. I'm ashamed that I wasted so much of my life but more ashamed that I wasted so much of my time with Jonas. Yes, we spend practically every minute of every day together and I do still need breaks. However, if I'm going to do something independent of my son, I want it to mean something. I want it to be something that will end up making me a better mother and I strongly believe that taking time for yourself DOES make you a better mother. I've found that reading books has given me an endless amount of patience to explain things to him and to make him understand what I understand. It also has made him passionate about reading because he sees Mommy doing it. Taking time to write has made me a better bedtime story teller and game maker upper (official term). Learning more about photography has made me a better memory keeper and has boosted my child's confidence (sometimes maybe too much) because he's ALWAYS having his picture taken. All of these things that I do for myself do benefit him in some small way or another and I regret that I spent so much time doing something that, in the end, did nothing to enrich my child's life. I'm not so selfless that everything I do has to be for Jonas but I am a Mother which means that he is always on my mind and most of the things I do are for him. Not everything I do benefits him. I can't put a good spin on how watching "Grey's Anatomy" will help him in life (unless he becomes a doctor) but sometimes I can be a little selfish.
So here's to a life without games. Sure sometimes I'll let myself get lost in a little online Scrabble now and then but that's ok. Maybe I should've said, "here's to a life without getting so easily lost".
I've recently liberated myself from all of the silly Facebook games and applications that I've allowed myself to get so caught up in. I wasn't playing THAT many games but the ones that I was playing started to consume ALOT of the time in my day. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until Jonas said he wanted me to stop playing games and come do a puzzle with him. Ouch. Had I really become that mother? The mother who allows herself to just become a zombie in front of the screen when I have a child who wants and needs my attention? At first I tried to justify it by calling the games my "reality escapers". My self talk was all about, "Mommy needs some time to herself too.". And believe me, I STILL feel that way! Mommy definitely needs some alone time. But it made me sad to see all the books I had sitting on my reading list, waiting to be read because instead of reading a really good book, I was harvesting crops on facebook. Instead of getting back into writing or learning more about photography, I was "helping my neighbors" and building horse stables. Ridiculous.
When I started thinking about deleting all of the games, I was literally feeling anxious. I wasn't sure if I could do it. Finally, one night, I was sitting at the computer after Jonas and Topher had both gone to bed. There was a mess to be cleaned up in the kitchen, toys scattered all around the living room, and even good shows on TV to watch. But, instead of focusing on any of that, I was sitting at the computer at 11pm on a weeknight, playing games. It was then that I decided to rip the band-aid. I didn't let myself think about it, I just did it. I went into the applications screen and just deleted everything. After committing what I shall now refer to as the Game Massacre of 2010, at first I felt weird. Did I really just do that? Am I going to regret that? Those feelings lasted for about 3 minutes. Then the feelings of relief started flooding in. I became downright giddy. I was even tempted to wake Topher up and tell him what I had done. (I refrained). I didn't realize until I felt that amount of joy that I was becoming addicted to these silly games. I was using them to escape when there are so many things I could focus my life on instead of playing games.
It's been a few days but I've felt really good since then. Like I'm actually living again. That's why I hesitated to put all of this in print. Because I had to admit that I had allowed myself to get lost in the first place. I spent so much time doing something that I couldn't show anything for at the end of the day. I put so many hours of my life into something that was easily just deleted and in the end, meant nothing. I'm ashamed that I wasted so much of my life but more ashamed that I wasted so much of my time with Jonas. Yes, we spend practically every minute of every day together and I do still need breaks. However, if I'm going to do something independent of my son, I want it to mean something. I want it to be something that will end up making me a better mother and I strongly believe that taking time for yourself DOES make you a better mother. I've found that reading books has given me an endless amount of patience to explain things to him and to make him understand what I understand. It also has made him passionate about reading because he sees Mommy doing it. Taking time to write has made me a better bedtime story teller and game maker upper (official term). Learning more about photography has made me a better memory keeper and has boosted my child's confidence (sometimes maybe too much) because he's ALWAYS having his picture taken. All of these things that I do for myself do benefit him in some small way or another and I regret that I spent so much time doing something that, in the end, did nothing to enrich my child's life. I'm not so selfless that everything I do has to be for Jonas but I am a Mother which means that he is always on my mind and most of the things I do are for him. Not everything I do benefits him. I can't put a good spin on how watching "Grey's Anatomy" will help him in life (unless he becomes a doctor) but sometimes I can be a little selfish.
So here's to a life without games. Sure sometimes I'll let myself get lost in a little online Scrabble now and then but that's ok. Maybe I should've said, "here's to a life without getting so easily lost".
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The start of it all
My son, Jonas, will be turning 3 next month. I never got hit with the reality of his leaving baby-hood harder than I have with this coming birthday. The first birthday didn't bother me, the second one didn't phase me but this one is a doozie. I'm finally getting it. HE'S GROWING UP! He's becoming a little man and needing me less and less. I look back on pictures and wonder where the time has gone. When I see a picture of him when he was 18 months old, I actually catch myself thinking, "Wow, I don't remember what those days were like at all!". I'm not a scrapbooker, I don't keep a journal and I haven't been as steadfast with the baby books as I would have liked. I am, however, one hell of a picture taker. I rely on those to take me back to the memories we were creating when I took those pictures. I am now realizing that that method is failing me. Now that Jonas is well into toddler-hood, I'm thinking that these are the days that I want to remember the most. The pictures are great because seriously, he's adorable. But the things that come out of this child's mouth are the things that I want to hold on to. I can't be humble about it - my kid is hilarious. I know most people think that about their kids but he's really funny. Like, ironically funny. The kind of funny that I admire in people and I'm so incredibly proud of that trait in my child. So with this blog, I hope to share and describe the things that come out of his mouth. I want to look back on this when he's a 16 year old jerk and remember the good days. Off we go.
Jonas is big in pretending and using his imagination these days which is something I LOVE about him. One day, he was pretending to get in his "car".
Me: Jonas where are you going?
Jonas: I'm going to work
Me: Oh but I miss you so much when you leave!
Jonas: Sweetheart, I not have time for this.
That's an example of the kinds of things he says that just floor me. I have to hold on to this stuff and dammit, I will! Because he's growing up. Fast.
I'm going to try to stay true to my sentimental side and stick with this because it's so worth it.
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